Approaches

I utilize specific aspects of Assertiveness Training. There are basically four different ways that individuals communicate with one another. They can be: 1) aggressive, 2) passive 4) passive-aggressive or 4) assertive. You may already have a basic understanding of aggression, passivity and a combination of the two; the state of being passive-aggressive. You may be confused about how to be assertive.

Aggression is about dominance. A person is aggressive when they impose their will onto you; for example when someone yells at you, gets in your space or uses physical violence.

Passivity, on the other hand is about compliance. Passivity occurs when you submit to another person’s aggressive actions, putting your own wishes and desires aside to fulfill the wishes and desires of the one who is perceived to be in charge such as your partner or supervisor. You may not like being dominated, but it seems like the smart thing to do at the time in order to sidestep the threat of violence or intimidation to yourself or another person.

Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of expressing your negative feelings in an indirect way — instead of openly addressing them.

People who are passive-aggressive seem to agree with the requests of others. They may even appear openly excited about them; however, they don’t perform a requested action in a timely or useful manner and may even be counterproductive towards a stated goal. In other words, they use nonverbal behavior to express anger or resentment that they can’t express verbally. An example is  you showing up very late to a meeting that you didn’t really want to attend and then making up excuses for your lateness that deflect attention from the real reason. Another example is agreeing with a spouse that you want to go to a certain movie or restaurant but creating a scene or delaying everyone because you really do not want to go. Another common illustration is getting drunk to deal with a situation rather than being assertive.

In comparison to these three essentially disrespectful positions, assertiveness is about finding a middle ground between aggression, passivity and being passive-aggressive. When you become assertive you will be able to stop those that try to dominate you without crossing their boundaries. In other words, you will be able to tell your partner or supervisor when they are making you uncomfortable or that you will no longer tolerate certain behavior. Additionally, you will be able to understand when someone is passive-aggressive and point it out to them.